


Going On

by BlueEyedJared



Category: Homestuck
Genre: All are in or about to enter college, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Body Dysphoria, Depression, F/F, F/M, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Trans!John, Transphobia, more characters added later on as story progresses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-16
Updated: 2016-04-16
Packaged: 2018-06-02 15:28:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6571573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueEyedJared/pseuds/BlueEyedJared
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John Egbert is entering college and despite his accomplishments he finds it hard to stay happy with everything else on his shoulders. He is trying to leaving his old life behind, but keeps making a big circle. College is the time of his life where he finds himself and finds others to spend his life with, but all he keeps doing is running away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dinner

**Author's Note:**

> In this story John is born a female, he struggles with his gender identity and despite how much he wants to be a guy he denies it because he's been drilled into thinking that once you're born a certain gender, that's it. There will be transphobia and homophobia in this story and talk about depression so if that triggers you (along with horrible writing skills) please turn away now.
> 
> This chapter leads up to the actual story and how everything started. kind of an explanation and also introduction.

    You step into a fancy French restaurant, Paradou -where you and a small group of friends were being treated by a kind man.

    You had been accepted to five colleges thanks to the help of your mentor, Jake English, who was introduced to you through your boss at work.  You had been suspicious of the man, thinking he wanted money from your already pitiful bank account. A white man coming down to a ghetto neighborhood that shouted danger? Anyone in their right mind would be suspicious of that.

    _"Hello everyone, I'd like to introduce you all to Jake English. He is here to help you all." Your boss, Jacob, announced after everyone got themselves situated in the small break room._

_All the teenagers in the building, specifically seniors in high school, had been told to come meet him in the break room immediately for a meeting. We were all nervous wondering if one of us had done something wrong and were all getting reprimanded for it. When we arrived, Ana, a fellow coworker, looked just about ready to fight anyone who tried to cross her, Sammy, one of my closer work friends had sat down next to me and glanced at me nervously and I reciprocated his look, both of us finding slight comfort in knowing that we weren't alone in wondering what was going on. William and Angela were standing near the window, whispering once in a while. We were all nervous and I was near close to having an anxiety attack, I couldn't afford to lose this job. As if knowing what I was thinking, Sammy briefly placed his hand over mine, stopping my fidgeting and calming me down slightly._

_Jake reached over the table and shook all our hands, when he came to me I gave him my hand and he stopped and looked me in the eye, I thought I'd offended him somehow. Was it the way I was sitting? Did he say something and was waiting for me to respond? Did I meet him at some point in my life and offended him and he recognizes me?_

_"What kind of hand shake is that? Come now hun, put some strength into it." He gave me a huge smile and moved onto the next person when I gave his hand a small squeeze, repeating the process when he passed by Ana who had calmed down some and now looked a bit embarrassed for looking so pissed earlier._

_"As you all know, I am Jake English, I am a volunteer who spends my time helping get kids like you lot into college." Jake said, wrinkles at the side of his eyes as he smiled. He was old, but still young, probably in his forties from how energetic he still was, visited the gym often, probably, considering he was so fit._

_Everyone spoke their names clearly, I mumbled mine and then cleared my throat and repeated myself when it came out too quiet._

_"You're a shy one aren't you?  Don't worry, that'll be gone by the time I'm done with you lot." He proceeded to explain who he was, what he did for a living, and introduced three other people in the room who assisted him in his quest. He seemed like a nice man. However that didn't settle my suspicion of him._

_The meeting ended around eight at night and we all were dismissed with newfound information and 'opportunities'. I didn't know why my boss brought the man into our job, what would he gain from this? Are they together? Were they both trying to get money out of our pockets? These thoughts ran through my head on the way home. My father had been free today and I called and asked for a ride, not in the mood to walk home in the cold of winter by myself after such a tiring day. Especially not under that train around the corner._ _The next day the man reappeared. Jake, a kind old man with too much time on his hands. He kept appearing every week on Wednesdays, I would tell my father small tidbits of what was going on with him and who he was and how he was 'helping us get into college'. My dad would nod and tell me to be careful and not to give him any money. I agreed. Jake never asked for money._

_A month had passed and I was handing him my fathers taxes, a nervous wreck. I had told my father I'd needed them for college, which is true, but I didn't tell him I'd be giving them to the man. I got a mini heart attack every time he looked at the paper and helped me fill out the application for financial aid. I wanted to take it back and back out like Ana and William had done, but I didn't, I ignored my anxiety and trusted the man no matter how much my gut told me not to. Jake English is a trustworthy man._

_Another two months passed by, it was now December. My co-workers and I were being taken to tour a college. Jake, who is a kind old man who never kept quiet, had been going on and on for the last month saying how we needed to see the colleges before we made any decisions on where we wanted to go because we 'absolutely positively had to be sure that we liked the campus that we were going to attend' if we wanted to have a good college experience. We weren't alone, a trusted co-worker, Allen, was with us every trip, and if not him, then it would be someone's parent._

_One day when he had driven me and Sammy to tour a college he had told us a bit about his private life. He used to have twin boys who he loved dearly. One day, one of them committed suicide, the other, not being able to bear another day without his twin, eventually killed himself, he had lost two of his four sons in under a year. I wanted to cry when he said that, how sad it must have been and how hard it was to bear such grief, it made me feel horrible for thinking that I had such a hard life when he was dealing with the loss of his own two sons._

_The conversation had turned that way because I mentioned I suffered from depression and anxiety when he asked me why I was so quiet, I trusted him enough to say that. He didn't criticize me like my father did (who also had depression and anxiety), instead he shared his experiences with me and reassured me. I wanted to cry, but I somehow controlled myself. Jake English is a kind old man, who truly loved those he helped._

_Eventually March came around, he had taken me and Sammy to another college, just us, because he 'knew we would absolutely love it', and he was right. On the drive back to work he commented on the big smile on my face and how much I was speaking. I hadn't shut up about the college the moment we entered the car. I had been attracted to a much smaller college closer to home but Jake wanted me to get out of my shell and explore a bit, grow as a person and become braver. He reminded me that at the college, they provided everything I could need, including therapy, I just had to go to them, they would not come to me, but they were there. One of his sons had used it when he was stressed over exams. Jake English is a very understanding man._

_Eventually, April came around, it was my birthday, I'm eighteen now. My father told me that now I had to make my own decisions and grow up, he wouldn't hold my hand anymore, however that didn't stop him from mothering me once in a while, which I happily welcomed. I had another week to make my decision on the college I wanted to go to, but my heart was already set on it, Skaia University, my university. I'd be with Sammy too hopefully, so I'd have someone I know, along with another boy who had wanted to transfer after deciding his college, Derse College, was too calm for him. His name was Sebastian, nice person, though I never really spoke to him, but it was still nice to know someone in the same college._

_This was it, everyone had made their decisions, all that was left was choosing our bed sheets and packing what we needed for college. I was nervous but excited. Walter invited us all to a meal and I was the first to confirm I'd be going. I'm happy, I'm excited, and I can't wait to go to college no matter how nervous I might be._

 

   I am wearing a knee high formal yellow dress with blue accents and a cute matching bow in my curled hair. Simple, but elegant. Formal, but comfortable. Attractive, but no spotlight. Everything was perfect. I had eyeliner and mascara along with some pink lipstick, and concealer only where I truly needed it. Minimum makeup, natural look. Everything will be fine. Sammy was waiting for me in a suit with a red rose and undershirt. He looked taken aback when he saw me and I blushed slightly in embarrassment. I walked over with my head low, people were staring at me. Did I dress up to much? Am I wearing the wrong color? Did I do something wrong?

    Sammy slid his hand into mine before I could run away and lifted my chin, smiling at me. "You look beautiful." Beautiful, that word made me so uncomfortable, but I smiled anyways. Sam led me to the table where everyone else was waiting for me. If it weren't for this being such a fancy place they probably would have whooped at us and made a show, but instead they just smiled at us, giving knowing looks. Sam seated me into the chair next to him. 

    "A toast, to my favorite girl Sabrina, for being accepted to the most colleges and for her acceptance to Skaia university!" Everyone lifted, then clinked their glasses together and drank from whatever beverage they had chosen to accompany their meal. I blushed slightly at their toast dedicated to me, a large smile on my face, kind of wanting to hide but also wanting to jump around and boast of my cheer. I'm happy, so happy, but there was a small tug, uncertainty, doubt, fear, could I really do this? Is it too late to back out? What if I can't meet everyone's expectations? I don't even know what I want to do.

     Sam placed his hand over mine that was resting on my energetic thigh. I calmed down. We proceeded to have a nice dinner and took a photo to commemorate our successful journey. I was nervous and hoped my hand or body hadn't shook at any point like I felt it did. I wasn't used to being in such social situations despite working in an afterschool program with kids. I took a deep breath and released any built up tension.

    Everyone commented on how pretty I looked and how I usually looked like a slob and a guy at work, slob being a bit harsh of a word but I guessed they were referencing my hair seeing as I never actually put enough effort into it. I smiled when they referred to me as male, secretly liking it, but I bickered nonetheless, claiming I was 'all female' and how they were so jealous of how 'ladylike' I was. I hated all the words I spewed out of my mouth despite being so lighthearted, but I dealt with it.

     Eventually, after four hours of socializing, we all went home. I collapsed onto my bed and instantly went to sleep not bothering taking off the dress or makeup. After such a long day I needed a break.

     I felt a tug at my chest and tears spilled out. I didn't want to cry, I wasn't sad, it was a great day, but my brain didn't listen to reason, it insisted that I was a horrible person, it insisted I messed up on things that I had done perfectly fine. I cried myself to sleep. My cries were always quiet, I never sobbed or sniffed, I just let the tears roll down, sometimes letting my brain make up a situation that never did and probably never will happen.

    That summer I went to college, having been enrolled in a program that granted us even more money and a head start to college. We had a two week vacation and then college started for real. Sammy, Alan and I starting with a whopping nine credits towards graduation.

    I stepped into my first mandatory basic class, algebra. This is it, everything is real.


	2. Phobia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is finally in college for real and is going through his first day of not going home for the next three months.
> 
> He is scared and anxious but goes through his day smoothly, kind of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Warning body dysphoria and anxiety attack*

     It's time. You walk around the campus and to your class, first there, of course. You were used to the campus by now. You went through three to four weeks of hell bent learning and a whole lot of exploring over the summer. You absolutely loved this campus, it's beautiful, it's quiet, it's busy, it has everything you could possibly need, you wouldn't trade it for the world.

    "Hello Sabrina. Punctual as usual." Your professor, Mr. Hans, greeted. He was smiling, obviously happy to see you. You are one of his favorites and you know it. He has high expectations for you, and you hate it, but you work nonetheless. You're not going to let go again, not when it really counts.

     I smile at Mr. Hans and we proceed to have a nice discussion on what we each did over our two week break. He spoke of his daughter and son and how he brought them to the beach and how his daughter had hurt herself when she bounced on a beach ball and how his son had panicked and was 'taking care of' his little sister. I loved his children, they were sweet hearts. I got to know them back at work when I was still working there. I had to leave because of college of course, but I'm going to return if not over the semester then next summer.

    "Enough of me, how was your vacation Sabrina?" He looked completely sincere as he asked, honestly curious. Over the two weeks my father and I had gotten into an argument about me accepting fourteen thousand dollars in loans behind his back, completely throwing his warnings to the wind. He yelled at me saying I was going to deal with that debt on my own and I knew he would say that, I was ready for those words, but they still hurt, especially when he kept insulting me about how stupid I was and how I was going to ruin my life and was so naïve. He had hit me once when I tried to speak to him two days later, going on about how 'Jake' wasn't going to pay that debt for me and that I never listened. We never talked after that, still haven't, of course I didn't tell Mr. Hans that.

   "Honestly? It was great, I went to the beach twice and stayed in a hotel for a bit with some friends. It was really cold in the room though, I actually had to put on a sweater." I slipped in a few giggles, shooing away the thought of that bruise I'd received on my left shoulder, and how I hid it under sweaters. I know my dad feels horrible for hitting me, that's probably why he doesn't look me in the eye. Then again, it wouldn't be a surprise if he did hate me, it's not like he hasn't told me before.

   "Sabrina? Are you alright?" I snapped out of my thoughts and realized my eyes were teary. Thankfully the sun was shining brightly through the windows and was aiming directly at my face so I used the sun as an excuse for my tears. Mr. Hans brushed it off and kindly lowered the shutters, letting a controlled amount of sun through.

   After doing that more people flowed in, a long stream of apologies flowing in along with them. One of them made eye contact with me, seeing as I was right next to the door. I stared back at their sunglasses then looked away at the same time he did. He proceeded to go to his seat and the teacher proceeded to tell us of all due assignments and gave a shortened version of his lesson due to the restricted time. I didn't bother with taking notes on anything besides the due dates. I already had them back at my room. I could feel someone staring at me from behind.

    Class ended and I left to my dorm after saying goodbye to Mr. Hans. My next class didn't start for another hour. When I reached my dorm my roommate wasn't there. I stepped into the bathroom we had the luxury of having due to the college accepting too many freshmen, resulting in some of them taking sophomore dorms, including me.

     I stared in the mirror and frowned. My hair is a mess, I had a pimple at the end of my right eyebrow, my lips were a bit torn from my lack of balm and constant biting. I looked horrible. I tore my gaze away but when I turned to the side, I couldn't help it, I looked back at the mirror and looked at my chest, how it made a bump in my shirt. I hated them, why did I have to have breasts? There weren't even that much, just a size a 30, they couldn't turn anyone on, but you can't even hide them either, you wish they were gone. More than one occasion you've thought of grabbing a knife and slicing them off but you weren't crazy, of course you wouldn't do that, but how you wish you could, no consequences, just a quick slice and you'd have a flat chest, that easy.

    You look lower at your small waist and scowled, you hated it. It's so curvy, it's disgusting, you wanted a bigger waist, no curves. You stared longer criticizing yourself, hating yourself, tearing up, wanting to scream and throw a tantrum, wishing you were male instead, but you wouldn't, that would bring too much attention. You're a girl, born a girl, raised a girl, die a girl. There's no other way. You are a _lady_.

    Eventually, your phone went off, you had twenty minutes before class. You wanted to take a quick shower, but after what just happened, you'd rather not see yourself naked. Instead you sleep for a good fifteen minutes then make your way to class after spending two minutes getting your stuff together and three minutes to walk to class, on the dot as usual.

    You're taking a science class. You take notes and record the class (with the teachers permission of course), you're tired and hungry. You'd skipped breakfast, as usual, and your stomach is yearning to be fed. After two hours class ends and you head to one of the two cafeterias. You take a salad and hamburger with some chocolate frozen yogurt and swipe your id. You then exit the cafeteria and putting it all in a to go container, you go to the lake near the freshmen dorms, you liked it because it was always quiet and no one really came by. Anyone who did was just a jogger or strolling by and never bothered you.

     You took out your lunch and began eating it, you were really hungry. You typically only eat once a day, you lack the motivation to eat, but when you do it's always around the same time, now. You heard the crunching of leaves under shoes and laid back, expecting a strolling passerby. Except they weren't just strolling by and instead they approached you.

     You shivered and hoped it wasn't noticeable. You looked up and saw a blonde with aviator sunglasses with a red plaid shirt and white undershirt, blue jeans, and red converse. Casual, comfortable, clean.

     "Hi." The guy said, shifting his weight to his left leg.

     It was a long silence before you realized he was expecting a response. You fumbled with the food, hurrying to put it back in the container. "H-hi." You said.

    "Huh?" He leaned closer and I could feel the shivers getting stronger. I leaned away.

    "H-hi." I repeated. I was shaking now, I tried to calm myself but couldn't, I hate how this happens, I wish Sammy were here, he'd help me out, but I hadn't seen him at all today.

     "Why are you shaking?" He asked, he moved and you hoped to god he wouldn't sit, but he did, and you swear you were about to cry. Why were you like this? He was just saying hi. What's wrong with you?

      "I-I, u-um." I was scared, frustrated, and angry all at the same time and I wanted to leave.

     "W-wait, oh my god, I'm so sorry. Did I say something? Am I bothering you? I'll leave, I'm so sorry." He fussed over me worriedly. I just shook my head at everything he said, not giving him any clear answers, just shaking and crying, I hiccupped and it hurt, making me cry harder, I was sobbing now.

      "I-I, I'm sorry, I d- I" I hiccupped repeatedly, I couldn't even talk. I'm so stupid, now this poor guy is stuck in this stupid situation with me. I tried to force myself to calm down but I just couldn't.

      "It's okay." He hugged me and I got stiff as a board, but I continued to cry and he continued to hug me. Eventually I stopped crying and just shivered, a few hiccups escaping.

       "I-I'm so sorry you had to witness that." I said once I could speak, completely red and embarrassed from my outburst. I tried to pull out of the hug but it was a weak attempt and probably felt like I was readjusting myself to the poor guy.

       "It's okay, I'm just, surprised? Did I do something? Was I not supposed to sit next to you? Do I remind you of an ex-lover who had a one time fling with you then disappeared without even a peace out? Or was it my looks? I've been told I was beautiful but goddamn." I snickered as he continued to rant, then proceeded to laugh as he called himself a sexy son of a bitch and felt a lot better.

       My shaking was brought to a minimum and he separated from me, still holding my shivering hands. "Thanks, I'm okay now."

      "Okay, but seriously, what happened?" He looked at me and I glanced at him before bringing my line of sight down to the ground.

      "Bad break up." I lied.

      "Ah. I see." He took in a big breathe and let it out. I copied, my shivering stopping completely now. "Listen, um,"

     "Sabrina.

     "Sabrina. Listen, whoever the guy, girl, asshole was, I'm sure they didn't deserve you if they were willing to dump someone who obviously really loved them. I'm sure you'll find someone better. In fact, I promise you will, with looks like yours, I'd say you can get yourself someone new within a week, tops, if you really wanted to." I giggled and he grinned.

     "Thanks but, I don't think I'm gonna date for a quite a while." Which was the truth, I couldn't handle a relationship, much less myself, it'd be toxic. My phone buzzed, I looked at it, twenty minutes before History class. "Uh, thank you,"

    "Dave, Dave Strider." I switched our hands and shook mine with his.

    "Thank you, Dave." I smiled. "And again, I'm sorry for the outburst, I really shouldn't have done that in front of you, I'm so sorry."

    "It's okay, It's fine, I promise." He brushed it off.

    "No really, if there's anyway I can make it up to you, I'd love to comply." I smiled shyly.

    "Well, in that case. Can I have you number?" He took his phone out, holding it towards me. I was surprised, but then again, I should have seen this coming, I hesitated before grabbing his phone and giving him my number.

    "Have a nice day." I smiled and dashed off with my lunch, throwing it out in the next trashcan. I lost my appetite. I sighed and tried to stretch out my tense muscles, but I couldn't. I should get a massage, but I preferred not to be touched unnecessarily. 

* * *

    The class flashed by, my phone had no messages at all, I began to wonder why he bothered asking for my number if he wouldn't even message me to let me know his at the very least.

     I put my phone to charge by my bed, my roommate was studying at her desk quietly, her name is Rose, nice girl, highly intellectual, speaks in big words you sometimes can't understand yourself. You smile and waved even though she wouldn't see it, she probably didn't even know you entered from how focused she looked. You take a towel from your side of the closet and step into the bathroom, you strip and step into the hot shower, completely dismissing the mirror.

     I took a good time in the shower, cleaning myself of the days dirt. It was relaxing, you felt good, you felt, happy. Maybe it was the cry you had earlier today. Most likely, considering all the stress you had from the past two weeks. You begin to wonder if you would even bother to go back home. Your thoughts started to drift into dark places and you quickly got out and dried off. You looked in the mirror and look away quickly, that was the last thing you needed. You put on some blue pajamas, your favorite color. Your hair is a mess but you don't care, you're going to sleep after all. You close your eyes and get nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear it gets better.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! This story is something I've been wanting to write for a bit but never knew how to put it down into an actual story. If you have any suggestions or constructive criticism please feel free to share! (I could definitely use it.)


End file.
